Wednesday, December 19, 2007

One in a...hundred?

Wanting of affection, love and romance companionship. One of hundreds, I repeat hundreds of sentences describing me. Pretty sad, huh? I have a family perfect in my eyes, I am a junior sport star in my chosen field, I have a reliable- yet pathetic job and I enjoy my life...well at least 98% of it! A while ago I thought I was in love, or on the way to finding its wide open doors anyway. I prayed and prayed, and talked myself into it, all in God's name of course! The entire four months of knowing this guy I thought he was the one that God had set aside for me. Yeeah, I was wrong. Now we have parted ways and don't really hear from each other anymore. Still mates though, nothing more. But after feeling and sharing feelings with this guy for four lousy months, it makes me wanting more of that same feeling and even better. I know the mushy feelings and companionship will only get better once I have found the right person for me. The point I am trying to make is no matter how badly you want something and no matter how much you think it is right, doesn't always mean it is. You can pray and pray 'till you can't pray no more, but unless it is part of God's plan for you, it's not going to happen.

Last night was a turning point for me and I realized that I need to do something other that sports, working, and spending time with God to occupy my mind. See lately I have been so confused with everything that is going on in my life (eg: men) and I just feel so inadequate. I suppose all of this has sprung upon me after watching the movie 'Becoming Jane'. Here is Jane Austen, a beautiful and accomplished girl who falls deeply in love and because of her social status and life ambition she is not permitted to marry her love, Tom Lefroy. This greatly upset me because the more I think about it, it scares me! Sometimes I get so afraid that I wont find the right person for me...

Nothing in my life is certain, well besides God (my faith) and my family. We move around like nomads. Each move since I was about 12 I keep thinking that I have found "the one". Err, no. Now I am at the age where I am getting guys line up left, right and center all for me! but it just doesn't feel right. Sure, they are great guys. Decent, gentle, nice...but still worldly, still without Jesus. So to help me discern between the right guy and the wrong guy, I have set up a picture of someone who is more than just a decent and gentle pa. I am just so greatful to my parents who shared with me the virtues of life that I haven't let any of these boy woes get out of line and scar me for ever.

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